


from far away, in my heart

by kaixxi



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Angst, Break Up, I was motivated to share my heartbreak with everyone, KaiSoo - Freeform, M/M, One Shot, Post-Break Up, Short One Shot, a heartbreak I guess
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-29
Updated: 2019-08-29
Packaged: 2020-09-29 13:27:32
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,440
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20436782
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kaixxi/pseuds/kaixxi
Summary: Jongin reads it and he crumbles slowly. Years of walls built with the foundation of melancholic Saturday nights, unseen messages, and I still love yous came abruptly to an end.“But despite everything, Jongin, you will always be my favorite what if.”





	from far away, in my heart

**Author's Note:**

> I felt like writing recently, and this was a prompt I have posted in my twitter account that I wanted to write ever since January, but I didn't have the time.
> 
> It can be found here: https://twitter.com/xiuperiority/status/1081877610253217797
> 
> This is unbetaed, so please forgive me if there are any grammar lapses.
> 
> Title from EXO's superior ballad, What if.

The rain was pitter-pattering on the windows, and Jongin went to slide the curtains as to not disturb the person sleeping on the bed.  
It's been two weeks since and he was starting to accept the fact that he can never go back to what was. 

Of course, there had been regrets and doubts in those three weeks that they spent together. He wanted to go back and leave everything behind. He had two hearts in his hands, but he chose to keep the other secured and chose to be with the other who only had a few days remaining in this lifetime.

He can still feel how his heart dropped the moment that he heard Kyungsoo's name and a few days left to live that followed.

The box was sitting under his desk. It was delivered by his brother and said it was a few of the personal belongings they retrieved in the hospital room. Some of which were addressed to Jongin, especially letters, and some he might like to keep, but was it was also okay to return those in case he didn't want to.

Jongin wasn't brave to face the person who he shared five years of his life again. But he remembered the person liked the rain so much when they were only in their three months of dating, and he was at his brightest and happiest when he danced under it.

Jongin decided maybe it's time for him to be the one brave this time.

He went to the kitchen and made a hot cup of coffee, taking in the small box to his study room adjacent to the bedroom he shares with the person sleeping on the bed, his new happiness.

He placed the box in his lap and opened it. There were polaroids of them during their senior year of college; of them with their friends Baekhyun, Sehun, and Chanyeol; of them together, facing each other with icing on their nose because they had a joint birthday celebration; and one of Kyungsoo, who was sleeping in Jongin's chest that he requested Baekhyun to take a picture of.

The memories brought a smile on Jongin's face. He placed some of the trinkets in his table and displayed a paperweight of a penguin and a bear holding hands. It was made of wood, a gift from Junmyeon, Kyungsoo's brother. He remembered Junmyeon saying how the two resembled the animals so much that he impulsively bought it, even if it wasn't in his nature to buy impulsively. He bought two and gave it to the couple. Jongin was touched that Kyungsoo still kept this after all these years, while his paperweight was in his mother's home, inside a box that he refused to get after that messy break-up with Kyungsoo two years ago. 

When he was on his last picture, he noticed that there were papers under it, with Kyungsoo's familiar handwriting of ‘To Jongin' placed in the middle. They were a collection of letters, Jongin noticed, and dated after the month they broke up. There were letters dated on their birthdays, for their supposedly fourth and fifth anniversary, and a few that Kyungsoo might have written in impulse. He was about to read them from the bottom up when he noticed the top letter was dated just recently, two days after Kyungsoo was gone.

"We've reconciled under unfavorable circumstances," the letter read, and Jongin shifted in his seat to be more comfortable, "but in those moments, you were the one who made things bearable and favorable for me."

"I know we could have so much more than 3 weeks if we were only brave enough to do so," Kyungsoo continued, "but we weren't, and we were afraid of hurting each other more than we did 2 years ago."

"Jongin, in those 2 agonizing years that we contemplated if we should go back in each other's arms, I want you to know that in a heartbeat, I will always go back to you. I know it's very late to say this, but you look so cute and handsome at the same time while you were sleeping in that chair," Jongin laughed at the statement. This was very typical of Kyungsoo, who liked to write Jongin letters and poems when he felt a burst, a push, "that my heart aches so much because, at any moment when God decides, I will never have the privilege to see you again like this." 

"I always follow you to the café we go on during Saturday nights after that mess we made. I know you will tell me off and say "why didn't you approach me?" but it was never easy like that. I felt I was at fault because I ignored a lot of your messages and didn't respond to your calls, and I regret those until in my grave. It made me so mad at myself to see you lonely and sad and I felt like I didn't deserve your second chance." 

He remembered how drunk he got during those Saturday nights that sometimes Sehun went with him so he can send him home safely. He remembered how he complained and cried to Sehun at times how much of an asshole Kyungsoo was, and his friend was only there to listen and agree to most of what he said, even though he can clearly see that Kyungsoo was only a few tables down, looking just as equally sad and lonely, a fact that he learned 4 days ago. He was inebriated to comprehend Sehun telling him sometimes that Kyungsoo was there watching him.

"You told me once I was sleeping a week ago that I was the bravest person you've ever met. Yes, I heard you. I was pretend sleeping, and I wish you knew how badly I wanted to kiss you then and there but I don't want to contaminate you with my bacteria and bring you into this death bed with me, and I remembered I don't have the right to do that anymore."

"I wasn't brave, Jongin. During those moments that I read your messages all over again, your ‘I still love you' lingering in my head and I can hear it in your voice made me so, so weak. I have always wanted to tell you that I still love you too.

I love you, Jongin, as what I have promised you. I think I can never break promises when it comes to you, my sunshine." 

Jongin felt his tears forming, of course. In the three years that they were together, Kyungsoo never broke a promise. 

"I have a lot to thank you for, Nini. But what I am most thankful for is that you gave me a chance in the 3 years that we were together, and I was glad I was able to spend that time with you. I know we've spent 2 years in the dark after hurting each other and I was so mad and lost because we only wanted to follow our dreams but why did it end up like this? 

I realized months after when I was heaving blood and had tears all over my face because I was afraid, that my dream was you. It was always you, and I wanted to go out and go to you and tell you that maybe we can still work it out, but you looked so happy when I came across you just leaving your apartment, our old apartment. I didn't have the heart to break yours for the second time, but I did, and this letter is the product of that heartbreak."

"Thank you for going back in my arms, even for just 3 weeks. You made everything so much easier and bearable that I was able to accept the fact that I won't see your smiles forever. You made me so, so happy. In another lifetime when everything's better and we're braver, I hope we meet and start over again."

"I'm sorry Jongin for leaving you like this. I know that in the totality of the 5 years that we've loved each other and hated each other eventually, we had a lot of what-ifs and we could haves. I apologize for a lot of what-ifs and we could haves that crossed your mind, of which I caused. I hope you forgive me." Jongin read and he crumbled slowly. 

"But I hope you know that in those 3 years that we've loved each other, and the 2 years after in which we hurt each other, despite everything that has happened, Jongin, you will always be my favorite what if."


End file.
